... or at least my equivalent.
I turned 60 this year. Five years after my exodus from my beloved Joshua Tree, I am back at my beginnings. I am relatively healthy, considering the abuse I've mounted on this vessel of life. I'm content, doing with my life something I wanted to do when I was just considering career possibilities in my 20's. I'm semi-retired ... from a LOT of things. I don't do much on the internet in the way of social media or blogging or .. well, much of anything. I did get hooked on SecondLife five years ago, and I'm still in a long-term, long-distance relationship with a woman I met back then. It's astounding. It's passionate. It's more real than any other relationship I've been in .. and more long-lasting. As is the 'job' I'm doing these days.
It's been an emotional, physical, psychic and spiritual rollercoaster ride for these last years, and for much of that time I felt like a wreck of a human being. SO many dreams realized, then shattered. SO many hurdles to overcome, and at some level feeling I deserved it, then waking to the moment and remembering that I create my reality and I do get to control it. I'm almost to the point where I feel comfortable withdrawing from the shell I snuggled into all those years ago. Years ago. It doesn't seem that long.
Several years ago I told all the people in my life that I was going to stop celebrating birthdays until I felt my age. Ha. What does it feel like to be 60? Like this. I will say that I'm not so much celebrating my age, as I am acknowledging it. Six decades in the making of who and what I am, right now. I'm still a hermit by choice and nature. I'm still gregarious with strangers. I dance to the music in the checkout stand. I live a meaningful relationship in a 'virtual world' (don't let anyone tell you that virtual is of less value than 'real life' .. if it was, none of these words would ever be written). I still speak my own truth. I limit my relationships to those who exchange value for value. I will no longer tolerate an uneven exchange of energy or love. I demand loyalty and integrity in my life .. even if it means I have to change parameters to make it happen. If I don't get respect, I move on. I'm a hard person to live with. I'm a hard person to love. I'm more than okay with that.
After much and many things to distract (and distress), I get to look for "home" again. My tenancy in this dreadful town is about to end. I've landed a couple of contracts that will help keep a roof over my head .. at least for a little while, and, surprisingly, they did not come from local sources (which seem to be even drier than the desert).
So, tentative plans are to go back to Joshua Tree (where the living is inexpensive and available) the last week of September. Isn't it ironic that it's nearly a year later, when I thought it would only be for a few months. Surprisingly this time has flown by. I can't believe it'll be a year!! I'm grateful for my sister and friends (they know who they are) ... they've given me the space and time to recover.
A new path .. a new beginning ... I wonder where I'll be a year from now?
Yesterday, on our way to my bday dinner, dad decided it was time to share his "last wishes." At our ages, I suppose it's a good thing, yanno? At any age, actually. What really got to me was when he shared that he'd been talking to a buddy and said, "It's bad. I may not be around long."
*little tight sob*
So, I've managed to land a couple of contracts that'll get me through the next month (or so). A couple of websites: one a complete rebuild and the other a new site.
Maybe the dam has burst. Sure hope so.
At the very least I'll be able to put some repairs onto the car to I can *get* to a job!! That is after the funds are released (out of town check - held until ~6/10). Meanwhile, the search goes on. Gawds!! Jobsearching is such a drain!!!
Walking through the grocery store the other day, some sight, sound or smell triggered me. "I just want to go home." And the tears began to flow.
Only problem is ... I don't know where home is, anymore. It's certainly *not* San Diego ... I can barely abide it here. It's not Palm Springs, though it's an okay place to be. And, surprisingly, it's not Joshua Tree, as much as I love it.
I guess I'm sorta lost.
I really *do* detest San Diego. The energy sux. Every corner now has a stoplight or stop sign. It's torture on my poor car.
Yes. I'm whining.
(chanting ... it will get better, it will get better)
No. I haven't dropped off the face of the planet ... all evidence to the contrary. If you've been hoping for a phone call or an update or something from me ... here's the thing:
I doan wanna talk about what's going on. I doan really wanna hear anyone's chirpy good news, cuz I'll just feel crappy in comparison. And, I'm sorry .. I just don't have the energy to listen to anyone's tales of woe, right now.
At some point in the (I hope) not too distant future I'm sure I'll rise from this crypt. 'Til then, light a candle or something?
Thanks for understanding.
Okay ... limping car and all ... I made it to San Diego!! I've even started unloading the car and setting up my room. That's after driving for something like a half-hour at a time before Duckee overheated, then waiting for an hour, getting a jumpstart, lather rinse repeat ... until it got too late and I no longer had a sufficient charge on the battery to run the headlights. Which meant that I spent the night in a WalMart parking lot. Heh. Nice security folks kept a watch out for me all night, and the night guy jumped me.
I'm here. Let;s see where this leads.
For those who are not aware, LJ has recently taken many communities off "searchable" status. This means that if you want to find likeminded groups of people to talk about LGBT issues, kink issues, depression, and several other categories, if you don't already know the name of the group you want, you won't be able to find it. This is, IMO, unacceptable, so I'm going to be part of this:
The one-day content strike is on for this Friday, March 21, from midnight GMT to midnight GMT.
For 24 hours, we will not post or comment to LJ. Not in our own journals, not in communities. Not publicly, privately, or under friends-lock.
This is a protest that will have long-lasting effects, showing up forever in the daily posting statistics.
This is a protest that will not harm LJ in the long run, as leaving LJ might do.
This is a protest that will demonstrate the power of community, as all users unite to support Basic users and the concept of adfree space.
This is a protest that will educate the new owners that LJ is driven by user-created content.
How Can I Help?
DO post about this in your own LJ (BEFORE Friday).
DO post and comment about it in appropriate communities (BEFORE Friday).
DO remember that it's based on Greenwich Mean Time, which may not be your local time.
DO turn off LoudTwitter and your RSS feeds for 24 hours.
DON'T forget to get permission from community mods before making an off-topic post or comment about the strike.
DON'T be spammy with your posts or comments about the strike.
DON'T forget to turn your LoudTwitter and RSS feeds back on when the strike is over.
I'm coming up on a one-year anniversary that began the year of hell. It began with being forced to move, then a "good friend" decided not to pay me what I had earned; another held me captive, literally, while she berated me for not living up to her expectations (then discovered that I didn't deserve it, but by then it was a tad late, cuz ... well ... I was literally exhausted beyond endurance, asked to be taken home and was declined only to be forced to hear her litany of my failings after I'd quite literally begged .. "not now ... please") .. ::shudder:: So, it felt like I lost my two best friends. Then there was my dad in the hospital and all the family fall-out around that, and a year of looking for work and finding almost none. I literally do not have any income to declare for income taxes. How crazy is that? And, yet, I got ***through*** last year.
I had an interview on Friday with a woman who runs a business "staging" homes that are up for sale. During our telephone phase of the interview she commented that if she hired me, she'd feel as though she as "getting a Prada bag at 90% off!" As of the end of the in-person interview, I was still at the top of the list, with the only "obstacle" being a meeting with her mom. Turns out they're partners in the business, but it strikes me as a little comical that I need to pass the "mom test" to get the job. I think the relationship is great and I doubt there'll be a problem. I should know in a day or two.
And I did land a client at the end of last year that I truly think has some HUGE potential for earnings. So, I'm hanging in with that.
Recording this for posterity, cuz ......... well, cuz. I do NOT want to move to San Diego. I will, if need be. But GAWDS!!! please don't make me, k???
It's MY time. Make it so.